Treasure Island - A Wacky Pirate Play

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By Kim Williamson © 2007

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Characters:

Captain – Male or Female, a loud, blustery character.
Mor – Idiot sidekick to Slyman.
Ron – Idiot sidekick to Slyman.
Mother – Loving and over exuberant mother to the Captain.
Janie – A young girl in search of adventure.
Mr Slyman – A greedy, scheming “bad guy”.
First Mate – The dependable, competent Captains First Mate.
Rosey – Janie's sister who disguises herself as a cat to get onboard the ship.
Sea Monster – A friendly sea monster who just wants to be friends.
Pirates (5 or more) – A ragtag bunch of misfits.
Castaways (5 or more) – More ragtag misfits.
Ben Gunn – The leader of the castaways.

........................................................................

ACT ONE

SCENE 1

Mother
(enters) Bartholomew! Bartholomew? (to audience) You haven’t seen my little boy have you? His name is Bartholomew. Oh dear, where has he gone? I hope he isn’t lost. He doesn’t like the dark. Don’t tell anyone this, but he still takes his teddy bear to bed with him. Oh, where is he? (yells) Bartholomew!!!!

Captain
(enters) Mother? Mother! What are you yelling for? And don’t call me Bartholomew!

Mother
Bartholomew! There you are! (tries to kiss him).

Captain
Mother, please! Not here. What will the kids think?

Mother
Now, the reason I came down is to bring this (produces his teddy) You forgot Mr
Cuddlywinkles!

Captain
Mother! Not in front of the kids!

Mother
Oh. Shall I take him home then?

Captain
No! (hides teddy behind his back) I’ll er...take care of him.

Mother
All right then, dear. I’ll be off. Now, sail safely and keep warm! And don’t forget to change your underwear! Honestly, what will people think if your ship goes down and you’ve got grubby grundies!

Captain
Mother! It won’t matter if my undies are clean or dirty, will it? They will be wet!

Mother
Alright dear, no need to get your knickers in a knot! Now, when are you heading off?

Captain
(Janie enters with Rosey following) I just need a few more crew members. Some young lads to do the dirty work

Janie
Hi there! I heard you say you needed some crew members. I’ve always wanted to sail the seven seas, smell the salt-laden air and fight pirates!

Rosey
Me too.

Janie
Rosey, go home.

Mother
Pirates? Where?

Captain
It’s ok Mother. There aren’t any pirates around here. What are you talking about lad? Pirates! No pirates around here! I am a reputable ship’s Captain of a reputable ship’s.... er... ship

Janie
That’s ok. If there are any pirates, I’ll sort them out (draws sword) With a (swish) and a (swish) No pirate will get passed me. I’m the best pirate fighter... (Captain covers her mouth).

Rosey
(copies) Me too!

Captain
Shhhhhhhhh.

Janie
Rosey, go home.

Mother
(frightened) Pirates!!!!

Captain
What a lot of nonsense! Can’t ya see you’re making me Mother nervous, lad. Wait a minute! You’re not a lad! You’re a lass! Ewww - girls! I’m not taking a girl on my ship. It’s bad luck! Besides, you might have girl germs.

Janie
What a lot of nonsense. Who told you that rubbish?

Captain
My Mother did, and she knows everything!

Janie
I doubt it. What a stupid thing to tell a person. And why are you still listening to your Mother? (Mother starts to seethe, and then tries to grab Janie by throat, but is held back by Captain) You are a big grown-up, you can think for yourself, not listen to lies your Mummy tells you. What do you think? (turns to see fight in background) Oooops. M e and my big mouth.

Mother
Come here you little upstart! I’ll... I’ll ...When I get hold of you.....

Janie
Well that’s not going to happen! See ya later (runs off).

Rosey
Me too! (exits).

Mother
Silly girl. Everyone knows that girls have girl germs.

Captain
I don’t know, Mother. It doesn’t sound right to me.

Mother
(to audience) Kids, you tell him. Girls have girl germs don’t they? (response - play accordingly, hopefully getting a loud response) Oh, what do you lot know! Listen Bartholomew, I am your Mother, and I am telling you the truth. Stay away from girls! (exits)

Captain
Alright Mother, and don’t call me Bartholomew! Anyway, I have to get meself some more crew so we can set sail. And I also need to find me that treasure map! That’s right me hearties, I am a Pirate Captain, but I can hardly tell me old Mother that, can I? It would break her heart. Especially as she wanted me to be a rubbish truck driver. Once I get me hands on that lovely treasure, she won’t care what it is I do. Right, I know that Captain Flint gave the map to one of his crew, but which one?(takes out a list of names) Was it Long John Silver? Or maybe Blind Pew? Or Billy Bones? Or Ben Gunn? How will I find him?

Janie
(sneaking back on) Billy Bones! Hmmm. It was a Mr Bones that gave me this doll for my birthday. He warned me to beware of a man with a wooden leg. Then he died. I wonder....(takes dolls head off and discovers map) A map! A treasure map!

Captain
What? What’s that about a map, lad? Oh, it’s you! The lass pretending to be a lad!

Janie
I’m not pretending anything.

Captain
Whatever you are, I want that treasure map! Give it to me.

Janie
No! Mr Bones gave it to me.

Captain
But I am bigger than you, so you better give it to me, or I will hurt you.

Janie
You’re a bully! If you don’t let me go with you, I will tell your Mum that you are a pirate!

Captain
What? Why you little..... Alright! But don’t let any of the lads know you are a girl. It would freak them out - they are a superstitious lot. You need a disguise. We need to dress you like a boy.

Janie
OK, how about these things? (finds some old clothes lying around, and puts them on).

Captain
Good. Now you need to cover your hair somehow.

Janie
(puts headscarf on) Like this?

Captain
Now your name. What do they call you?

Janie
Janie.

Captain
Jim. Jimbo! Welcome aboard, Jimbo. Now give me the map!

Janie
How about I hang onto it until we get to the island. Just in case.

Captain
Just in case what?

Janie
Look, Captain, I don’t trust you. So I will keep the map, and that way, you will have to

keep your promise.

Captain
(grumpily) Alright! (spits on his hand and holds it out to shake).

Janie
Ew!

Captain
It’s sealing the deal.

Janie
OK (tries to spit on hand, but sneezes instead, they shake)

Captain
Right then. A few more crew, and we can be on our way.

Janie
Great! And when we find the treasure, my half will help pay for our rent.

Captain
Your half? Your half?? You’ll be lucky if I let you live, you sniveling little mite! Hahaha! Your half!

Janie
Not just a bully, a selfish bully! Well, maybe I won’t give you the map, and I certainly don’t want to sail on your old ship.

Captain
(draws sword) None of that, lad. We’ve got a deal. You want to sail the six seas...

Janie
Seven.

Captain
Yeah, yeah, whatever. And I want to get Flints treasure. This is a win-win situation! Now get on board. Maybe if you do some work it will shut you up - start loading these
supplies. Now I’m off to look for more crew, so keep working. (exits)

Janie
Mean old Captain. But he is right, I do want to sail the seven seas, and maybe I can teach him a few things while I am on board. Like not to be selfish and a bully. And maybe you (to audience) can help me. Whenever the Captain is selfish, or a bully, I will do the thumbs down sign, and I want you to boo as loudly as you can. Will you help me? Let’s have a try (work with audience on boo, and then thumbs up for yay) That should help him change, thanks. (starts working. Rosey enters)

Rosey
Janie, I want to come too.

Janie
No Rosey, it’s too dangerous. Go home. I’ll be back soon, hopefully with enough money to pay the rent and get lots of food. Off you go. (exits)

Rosey
I really want to go on the ship. I know, I’ll disguise myself as the ship’s cat. Janie won’t know and everyone loves cats (exits).

Slyman
(Janie enters) Hello. Where can I find Captain Bart?

Janie
Who?

Slyman
Captain Bart. Are you deaf?

Janie
No. I don’t know a Captain Bart.

Slyman
You don’t know Black Bart? You must be the only person in town who doesn’t.

Janie
Black Bart? The meanest pirate Captain ever to sail......? Uh oh! Would his real name b e Bartholomew?

Slyman
Well I hadn’t really thought about it, but I suppose Bart could be short for Bartholomew.

Not that anyone would dare call him that.

Janie
Except his Mother.

Slyman
Well, yes I suppose his Mother....look, can you just tell me where he is? I haven’t got time for an origins-of-names chat (Rosey enters as cat) Uh oh, a ca....a ca..... a choooooooo Get it out of here (achooooo) I’m alerg....alerg...achooo! to cats (sniff. Janie shoos cat away) Now where is Bart?

Janie
He went to look for more crew. He’s going to... (puts hand over mouth)

Slyman
What? He’s going to what?

Janie
Nothing. I don’t think I should tell you. I don’t even know who you are.

Slyman
I am a very good friend of the Captains. His financial backer, really. You can tell me anything.

Janie
Really?

Slyman
Really!

Janie
I don’t know.

Slyman
Really!!

Janie
Well, I have a map that shows....

Captain
(entering) Slime man! I might have known you’d be snooping around.

Slyman
Hello Captain Bart...er, it’s Slyman.

Captain
(to Janie) I hope you didn’t tell this slimy little worm anything. He’s a sneaky little good-for-nothing.

Janie
He said he was your financial backer. I thought he was your friend...

Captain
He might be my finansh..finan... he might give me money, but he is no friend of mine.

Slyman
Because you have no friends, Captain!

Captain
Clear off, Slimy!

Slyman
Fine. But I happen to know that you will be needing money for this trip. You know where to find me (exit).

Captain
I don’t like that man.

Janie
He seems OK. You were very mean to him. Why do you always have to be so mean?

Captain
What do you know? You better not have told him about the map or I’ll cut ya tongue out(Janie does thumbs down - ‘boo’) And you lot can be quiet, too. Did ya tell him anything?

Janie
No.

Captain
Good. Now get back to work. Get this stuff loaded on (both exit into ship).

SCENE 2

(Slyman’s lair. He enters)

Slyman
Stupid Captain! He’s the slimy one.(pacing) Mor? Ron! Where are those two? I feel
not-very-happy. And when I feel not-very-happy, I tend to (sniff) cry! (blubbers and sobs loudly. Mor and Ron enter with a large hanky between them).

Mor
Boss! Boss, what’s up?

Ron
Don’t cry, Boss, it’ll be alright (they ad-lib trying to make him feel better - rubbing shoulders, soothing etc)

Mor
(trying a little song - loud and tuneless, which Ron tries to sing even though he doesn’t know it) Dry your eyes, and no more sighs, show your smile and in a while, you’ll be happy...

Slyman
Alright, alright! Thank you, I’m better now. What a racket!

Mor
Glad to be able to help, Boss.

Ron
We made that up especially for you.

Slyman
I wish you hadn’t!

Mor and Ron
You’re welcome, Boss.

Slyman
That blasted Captain Bart.

Mor and Ron
(gasp) Black Bart!

Slyman
Yes. But you wait, he will come crawling to me when he needs money.

Mor
Will you lend it to him Boss?

Slyman
We shall see. But I will make him beg me for it. One of his crew said something about a map.

Mor and Ron
A map!

Slyman
Yes. It could be a treasure map.

Mor and Ron
A treasure map!

Slyman
Yes. Maybe even Flint’s old treasure map.

Mor and Ron
Flint’s old treasure map!

Slyman
Yes. Will you two stop that? It’s very annoying.

Mor
Sorry Boss. But Flint’s old treasure map! Wow!

Ron
What’s a ‘map’?

Mor
Ganzxioux (made up Asian-sounding word)

Ron
Oh. So what’s a ‘treasure map’?

Mor
Bikup Ganzxioux.

Ron
Oh. So what’s ‘Flint’s treasure map’?

Mor
Don’t know. Boss?

Slyman
Captain Flint was a pirate, who buried a lot of treasure on a desert island and hid the map. After he died, the map was suppose to have been given to his crew, but no one knew where it went.

Mor
Ok.(proceeds to very seriously explain this to Ron) Flint bas zingshe, bikup ganzxioux
Flint gogo, sungbing bong....

Slyman
What are you doing?

Mor
Explaining to Ron.

Slyman
But I just did.

Mor
Not in Dzongkha.

Slyman
(pause) Pardon?

Mor
Dzongkha. Dzongkha is Ron’s native tongue.

Slyman
(pause) Pardon?

Mor
Ron comes from Bhutan. The native language there is Dzongkha.

Slyman
Oh. I see. I had no idea. And you speak Donkey?

Mor
Dzongkha. No, but neither does Ron.(to Ron) So you see, Flint gogo, sungbing bong shesells seashells.

Ron
Oh. I get it - a pirate treasure map!

Mor
(shrugs to Slyman) It seems to help

Slyman
You’re both idiots. Do you think I am that silly? Huh! Comes from Button and speaks
Donkey!

Mor
Bhutan.

Ron
Dzongkha.

Slyman
There is no such thing.

Mor
Boss! How can you not have heard of Bhutan?

Ron
On the border of India and China?

Mor
That’s right, Ron, with a population of two and a half million.

Ron
Yes, Mor, and it’s only tiny. It can fit into New Zealand nearly six times!

Mor
Too true, Ron. The mortality rate is very high, and people only live to about 55.

Ron
You’re right, Mor. I come from a place called Wangdiphodrang.

Slyman
(pause) Mor? Ron?

Mor and Ron
Yes Boss?

Slyman
You’re both (yells) idiots!

Mor and Ron
Thank you, Boss.

Slyman
Now enough geography lessons! I have to work out how to get that map!(freeze)

SCENE 3

Captain
(Entering the dock) Jimbo? Jimbo!(Janie enters from ship, walks past him to get supplies, doesn’t respond) Jimbo (taps her) You, yer fool. I’m talking to you.

Janie
Oh! Sorry. I forgot.

Captain
Dumb as a mule!

Janie
That’s not very nice (thumbs down) Booo!

Captain
Bah! Come with me. We have to go and get some more crew. Can ya read and write?

Janie
Of course.

Captain
Good. You can write down the names and stuff like that. Come on (Rosey enters as cat)

Rosey
Meoow!

Captain
Ah, look. A lovely cat. She can be our ship’s cat, and I shall call her..... Cat! Yes, shelooks like a Cat. On ya go Cat. We’ll be back soon. (exits)

SCENE 4

(Slyman’s lair) Slyman
Doh! Where is that stupid Captain? He should have been here by now, asking...no
begging for money.

Mor
He’s down at the market.

Ron
Getting a crew together.

Slyman
How am I going to be able to find out if he really has Flint’s map? And if it is, then how am I going to get the treasure?

Mor
Me n’ Ron could go down to the docks...

Ron
...and pretend to be pirates for hire...

Mor
...and get hired...

Ron
...and be spies on the inside...

Slyman
Be quiet you two, I’m getting an idea. How about you two go down to the docks and pretend to be pirates for hire. Then you could be my spies on the inside!

Mor
Great idea, Boss!

Ron
W ish I could think of cool ideas like that.

Slyman
Now, what do we need to make you look like pirates?

Mor
Sunhats? (puts one on) It gets quite hot on the water.

Ron
Rubber gloves? (puts on) So our hands don’t get dirty.

Mor & Ron
(in pirate pose) Aaargghhh!!

Slyman
I don’t know if that’s quite right. What do you think, children?(to audience) Well what do pirates wear? (Get costumes out of a trunk and dress Mor and Ron) Good! Well done. (puts sign ‘pirates for hire’ around necks) Mor? Ron? You look great! Now off you go and get yourselves hired (they exit) Morons! I can’t trust them to pull off my plan. I will have to go down myself. I must get hold of that treasure, or my name isn’t Long John Silver...which it is! And this false leg is killing me (takes off prosthetic leg) but I had to get it because everyone was on the look out for a man with a wooden leg. So, I need a good disguise (gets false beard from trunk) Good!

SCENE 5

(crowded market scene, with all sorts of odd-looking individuals - made up of Pirates and Castaways)

Captain
(enters with Janie) Right. I need to find meself a crew. And a cheap crew what can drive a boat. This is the place - Beggars Market (gets a box to stand on) Right you lot! I need some strong hands to run a fine ship. Very little work for huge amounts of pay! But no girls!(a crowd forms, including Mor and Ron) That’s it, step right up and scrawl on the dotted line.

Pirate 1
Very little work? (crowd mumble)

Captain
That’s what I said.

Pirate 2
Huge amounts of pay? (crowd mumble)

Captain
Nothing wrong with your hearing, is there?

Pirate 2
Eh?

Captain
Just sign here.

Pirate 3
What’s the catch?(crowd mumble)

Captain
Eh? The catch? What catch?

Pirate 4
It sounds too good to be true. (crowd mumble)

Captain
Then you’d better sign up, before ya miss out!

Pirate 5
How do we know you’re telling the truth?(others agree)

Captain
(offended) Because, sir, I am a Captain of a ship. And as Captain of a ship, I place trust into the hands of my crew. We are a family! I cannot do it alone, and I don’t want to do it alone. We are all in this world together, to help one another, care for one another, and love one another. We need each other (starts talking the song) “Lean on me, when you’re not strong, (others start to hum) and I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on, for, it won’t be long til I’m gonna need, somebody to lean on” So who’s with me? (all cheer) Just as long as none of you are girls! (all mumble deeply and start signing up. FM stands alone) What about you? Are you with me?

First Mate
What’s in it for me?

Captain
Family, brotherhood...we’ve been over this. Did you miss the song?

First Mate
No, really. (they stare at each other)

Captain
(comes closer) There’s a map.

First Mate
I’ve got a map - don’t need another one.

Captain
You haven’t got a map like this, sonny.

First Mate
Don’t call me sonny! Show me this map.

Captain
Well I haven’t got it on me, have I? But let’s just say that Flint’s lost map is now found. So are you in?

First Mate
You’d better not be lying to me. I hate lying more than anything!

Captain
Alright, calm down son....er...what’s yer name?

First Mate
Jello.

Captain
Jello? What kind of pirate name is that? That’s useless. Jello! Look, these kids (audience) could come up with a better pirate name than that! OK kids, help me out here (depending on audience, you can ask for a name outright, or ask individual kids what their favourite colour and favourite animal is eg Red Rooster) Right, there you go. That’s a much better name than Jello! With a name like that, you can be my First Mate.

First Mate
Great, thanks. Now, where do I sign?(signs)

Captain
Good. Now then, you lot, go with Jimbo down to me lovely ship ‘Mammas Boy’, (pirates laugh) why do people always laugh when I say that? Get settled in and be ready to sail tomorrow at sunrise (all exit) Now, the worst job of all. Going to that horrible Slime Man and asking fer money. I hate doing that. But once I’ve got me hands on all that lovely treasure, I won’t need him anymore.

(Slyman enters, disguised)

Slyman
Any more places left for a pirate?

Captain
No thanks, we’re full.

Slyman
Oh. Bet yer haven’t got a cook yet, have ya?

Captain
I knew I’d forgotten something. Should have made a list like Mum said. Can you cook?

Slyman
Sure can.

Captain
You’re hired. Sign here.(scrawls) You look familiar. Do I know you?

Slyman
No.

Captain
Right, I have to go and get some money for this trip. We leave tomorrow(exits)

Slyman
Hehehe. He’s going to borrow some money off of me, so he can get the treasure....for me! Hehehe - ooops, I need to get back home (exits)

SCENE 6

Captain
(at Slyman’s lair) Slyman, are you home?

Slyman
(getting changed) One moment! (forgets beard) Come in!

Captain
(enters) Slyman, we both know why....are you feeling alright?

Slyman
Fine, why?

Captain
You look different.

Slyman
Huh? (looks in mirror) argh! I..er...I forgot to shave this morning - hold on(turns around, removes beard and turns back) That’s better.

Captain
Wow! You must have a good razor. I find it hard to get something that will shave close enough (Slyman looks at him) Right, well, you know why I’m here, Slyman. I need to borrow some money to sail my ship.

Slyman
How do I know you will pay me back? You still owe me for the last trip you took.

Captain
It wasn’t my fault we didn’t make any money. This great big whale came and ate half me crew.

Slyman
Just to be on the safe side, I would like to have the ownership papers of your ship. That way, if you can’t pay me back, I will be able to sell your wreck of a boat.

Captain
What? The papers for me ship? No way!

Slyman
No papers, no money.

Captain
But I will be able to pay you back this time - with interest!

Slyman
How can you be so sure?

Captain
Because I’ve got....well, I can’t tell ya, you’ll just have to trust me word.

Slyman
Ha! Trust the word of a pirate! I don’t think so. No papers, no money.

Captain
Ooooh! I don’t like you, Slime Man. (hands over papers)

Slyman
And I don’t like you, Captain (hands over money. They spit and shake) It has been a pleasure doing business (Captain exits) And now, to become the cook and get the treasure hehehehe.

SCENE 7

(down at the dock with Pirates)

Captain
Right you lot, get that stuff stowed away. Come on, I want this ship sailing in an hour.

Slyman
(enters with baggage) Right Captain, where’s my cabin?

Captain
Jimbo! Show ....what’s yer name?

Slyman
Slyaaaaa...er....

Captain
Slyaaer? What kind of name...?

Slyman
No! It’s er....I have a name....and my name is...Cooke...with an e.

Captain
Cook with an e? And you’re a cook without an e. Very funny! Jimbo, show Cookie where his cabin is (they exit) Right, Mr (FM whatever name kids decided) are we ready to sail?

First Mate
Everything’s ready, Cap’n.

Captain
Right then, bring in the gang plank and cast off.

First Mate
Bring in the gang plank! Cast off!

Mother
(running in) Wait!

Captain
Wait!

First Mate
Wait!

Mother
Sorry I’m late, son. I wanted to see you off.

Captain
Alright Mum, we’ll see you when we get back.

Mother
Goodbye, Bartholomew, have a lovely sail, dear. (puckers up)

Captain
Er, ok Mum, bye then.

Mother
Come and give me a kiss, dear.

Captain
Oh, Mum, not in front of...

Mother
It’s a sad day when a son can’t kiss his Mother goodbye! And after all I’ve done for you!

Cooking, cleaning, potty training......

Captain
Alright, alright! (Mother kisses him. Pirates laugh)

Mother
I love you, son. Sail well. Byeeeeee.

First Mate
Up the gang plank! Cast off!(pirates run around) Set the mains’l!

Mother
Bye!(ship turns and ‘sails’ away. Mother starts to walk away) He’s a good boy, really. Even if he is a pirate. (exits)

Pirates(chanting) Yo ho ho
Yo ho ho
Pirates are the way to go

Janie At last, I’m on the deep blue sea
Sing the pirates chant with me

Pirates
Yo ho ho
Yo ho ho
Pirates are the way to go

First Mate
Set the sails, boys, up the rig I’m the man who sails this brig
Heed my word, do what I say You’ll live to see another day

Pirates
Yo ho ho
Yo ho ho
Pirates are the way to go

Captain
We’re off! The treasure will be mine
I’ll be rich and I’ll wear fine
Clothes, have the best food to eat
And own the largest shipping fleet (Mummy will be so proud!)

Pirates
Yo ho ho
Yo ho ho
Pirates are the way to go

Mor
We’re undercover - secret spies
We’re the bosses ears and eyes

Ron
We’re like James Bond, or Maxwell Smart
Handsome and bright and clever as well (all look at him) Sorry, I can’t rhyme.

Pirates
Yo ho ho
Yo ho ho
Pirates are the way to go

Slyman
My cunning plan has worked so well
I’ve got the papers so I can sell
This awful tub, once I get the treasure
All my days will be filled with leisure

Pirates
Yo ho ho
Yo ho ho
Pirates are the way to go
It’s half time now, time for a break
So you can get a drink and cake
Go to the loo, and have a laugh
And get right back for second half

All Yo ho ho
Yo ho ho
Pirates are the way to go

-------------------------------INTERMISSION-----------------------------



ACT TWO

SCENE 1

Mother
I’ve just got a postcard from my boy. (reads) ‘Dear Mummy’ -aahhh- ‘having a whale of a time’ - hahaha, whale, he’s so witty - ‘the crew are great fun, and we are all getting on well, even though we have been at sea for such a long time. We should be coming into sight of our destination any day now. Will write again soon. Your loving Son’ (to audience) I’ve known for quite a while that he is a pirate. He thinks I don’t know, and that I would be sad if I found out. But a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, and all of that. It’s not so bad being a Pirate’s Mother. And if he can find the treasure, it will be a wonderful bonus. Now, I’m going to finish my list. I’m making a list of all the things I can buy if Bartholomew finds the treasure. You can help me. What would you buy if you had a lot of treasure?(respond to audience) That’s helped a lot, thanks. And of course, we can’t forget world peace’. My son knows how important it is to get along with others. See ya then.
(exits)

SCENE 2

(On the ship)

Captain
I hate you all!

Janie
Captain, you don’t mean that.

Captain
I do! And I especially hate you! Always trying to make me do the right thing. ‘Be kind to others, don’t be mean, blah blah blah’. I’m sick of it. I am a Pirate Captain! We are supposed to be mean and nasty. We are supposed to steal from others, and make people walk the gangplank, and other mean and nasty stuff! So leave me alone!

Janie
(thumbs down) Booo! Your trouble is that you only think of yourself. What about that whole speech you did about family and needing one another.

Captain
That wasn’t for me, that was for them. I don’t need people. I’m like a rock, an island.

Janie
And when a tidal wave comes you have got nothing to protect you!

Captain
What do you know? You’re just a gir.l

Janie
Don’t start that again......

Slyman
(enters with gong, which he bangs) Grubs up! (Mor and Ron bring in a large pot. Crew start lining up with plates and are dished a blob of gunge)

Captain
Cookie! This food is disgusting!

Slyman
Sorry Captain, we are running out of supplies. If we don’t get there soon, we will run out of food.

Ron
(screams) We’re all gonna die!

Mor
Ron! Settle down. Look (pulls out a packet of sweets - “Minties” brand if possible) We’ll be fine.

Ron
Sorry everyone, we’re not all gonna die.

Captain/Slyman/FM
I am surrounded by morons.

Captain
I’m going to my cabin. Jimbo, I want you to......

Ron
(looks off, screams) We’re all gonna die!

Captain
If you do that again.......

Janie
Look Captain. A storm is coming, a big storm!

Captain
Mr (FM) prepare for a storm. A big storm!(exits)

First Mate
Aye, aye Cap’n. All hands on deck. Batten down the hatches! Trim the mains’l! Stow the rig! Get to it ya landlubbers! Bring ‘er round. We’ll face the storm. Clear the decks. She’s on us!

Mother
(whistles, all on stage freeze looking at storm. To audience) Right, now we need to make a large storm and we wondered if you could help. You can? Great. What are some storm noises? (wind, rain, thunder, lightening) OK. So I’m going to divide you into sections (get each section to practice their noises, then all together) Now, when I whistle I want you to make the loudest storm you can, and then finish when I blow the whistle again. Ready? (whistle. Those on stage unfreeze and ride out the storm. Noise from audience can be encouraged by Mother. Blow whistle to finish)

First Mate
By the powers! That was a mighty storm. Right, check the sails and rigging. Report any damage or injuries to me. Heading nor’nor’west. Full and by.

Pirate 1
Land! Land Ahoy!

First Mate
Where lad?

Pirate 1
Dead ahead, sir.

First Mate
(checks compass) Bring her round dead North. Mor, get the Cap’n.

Mor
Aye, aye (exits)

First Mate
That’s an extra shot of grog for you, Toby.

Captain
(enters with maps) Is that our Island Mr (FM)?

First Mate
I believe it is, Cap’n.

Captain
Steady as she goes, Mr (FM) Now me little beauty (unrolls maps) where are you?

First Mate
Ron, get up the bow and check for sand bars.

Ron
Aye, aye sir.

Slyman
(enters) I heard we sighted land (sees island) There you are, just as I remember you.

Captain
What are you talking about, Cookie? Have you been here before?

Slyman
What? Oh! No, no Captain. I was talking about er...a dream I had. That island is just like the one in my dream.

First Mate
Ease the mains’!

Ron
We’re coming up sir.

First Mate
Prepare to drop anchor. Avast! Drop the anchor! Cap’n?

Captain
Thankyou Mr (FM). Jimbo, you come with me.

Rosey
Meeow.

Captain
And Cat, too. She’s desperate for the toile.t

Janie
I said you should have had a litter box for her.

Slyman
Can I come Captain?

Captain
No!

Slyman
Please?

Captain
No!

Slyman
Pretty please?

Captain
No!

Slyman
Why not?

Captain
Because I say so.

Janie
(thumbs down) Boooo! Don’t be so mean.

Slyman
Yes, don’t be so mean.

Captain
Why do you want to go to the island?

Slyman
To...er... get the...er....food, yes, that’s it. We need more food. And I need two volunteers to help carry it (looking at Mor and Ron. They look away) Yes, two volunteers.

Pirate 2
I’ll help.

Slyman
No, I need two volunteers (kicks Ron) Aah, good, yes you, and another person....

Pirate 2
I’ll come. It’ll be nice to get off this boat.

Slyman
(Pokes Mor) oh, you. Alright. Thank you, I have my two volunteers.

Ron
But I don’t want.....ow! (Slyman steps on his foot)

First Mate
All aboard who’s going ashore. (they get into dinghy and row to island)

SCENE 3

Captain
Right. Cookie, we’ll meet you back here in five hours. Be on time.

Slyman
Don’t worry Captain, we’ll be here.

Captain
Come on then lad, let’s get started.

Slyman
And what brings you to the island, Captain?

Captain
None of your business, Cookie, now let’s get going, Jimbo. (they exit. Rosey hides and listens)

Slyman
Right, we have to get that map somehow.

Ron
Shouldn’t we be going to get some food, Cookie?

Mor
Yes, the Cap’n said we’ve only got five hours.

Ron
Where’s the supermarket?

Slyman
Mor? Ron? You are morons.

Mor
Yes, Cookie, we know our names...

Slyman
Your mother certainly had a great sense of humor. Mor. Ron.

Ron
Why is that funny?

Slyman
You know! Mor and Ron. Like moron.

Mor
(looks at Ron and shrugs) I don’t see the joke. I’m Maureen and he’s Ronald. Mor and Ron.

Slyman
Yes, like moron. You know. Oh forget it! We need to get the map.

Ron
Why do you keep saying that?

Slyman
Because, you mor....idiots, that’s why we’re here!

Mor
No, we are here for food. You said...

Slyman
I am surrounded by fools! I want you to cast you minds back, a long time ago, before wes et sail. (Mor and Ron think hard) Remember? (they nod) Do you remember the plan (they look at each other) Yes? The plan?

Mor
How do you know about the plan.

Ron
The Boss told us not tell anyone, and we didn’t.

Mor
(grabbing his arm) Who are you?

Ron
(grabbing other arm) And what have you done to the Boss?

Slyman
Let me go you nincompoops! You blockheads! (takes beard off) It’s me! (Mor and Ron
are stunned).

Mor
But........

Ron
How.......

Slyman
Right, on with the plan. We have to get the map and find the treasure. We need to get rid of the Captain and that First Mate, and we can probably bribe the rest of the crew. OK?

Mor
So......

Ron
Cookie was you all along!

Mor
Well I’ll be....

Ron
...a monkey’s uncle!

Slyman
Are you listening to me? We need a plan to get the map!

Mor
(to Ron) Did you know?

Ron
No. Did you?

Mor
No. That’s brilliant, Boss.

Ron
You should be an actor or something.

Slyman
(proudly) You think so?

Mor
You totally had us fooled.

Slyman
You know, I have thought about doing some stage work. I love Shakespeare.

Ron
Show us!

Slyman
Shall I? Oh, all right. (overdramatically as hunchback Richard III, he does a mishmash) To be or not to be, that is the question. Is this is dagger I see before me, Cordelia? Oh happy dagger, this is thy sheath!(stabs himself) E tu Brute? Adieu, remember meeeeee....” (dies dramatically. Mor and Ron watch, stunned. Then applaud loudly. He stands and humbly bows)

Mor and Ron
(ad lib) That was brilliant Boss....amazing....you are an actor....you will get an Oscar....etc.

Slyman
Thanks. I’ve been practicing for a while. Now then, back to work. We need to get that map, then we can get the treasure, and then I can fulfil my dream of going to Hollywood and becoming a famous actor.

Mor
That is a great goal, Boss.

Ron
What can we do to help?

Slyman
Help me get the map, so we can get the treasure.

Mor
Great plan.

Slyman
That’s not the plan! We have to work out a plan to get the map.

Ron
Cool. So what is it?

Slyman
I don’t know! That’s what we need to figure out.

Mor
How about we dress up as a crazy sea monster thing, and scare the Cap’n into giving us the map?

Slyman
Wait! I’ve got it. Why don’t you dress up as some kind of crazy sea monster thing, and scare the Captain into giving us the treasure!

Ron
Brilliant! That’s the best plan I’ve heard yet!

Slyman
Right, lets see what we can find around here (they exit)

SCENE 4

Captain
(entering) Thirty eight, thirty nine, forty! Right lad, what does the map say now?

Janie
(entering) Er....zig zag East to the tree (they do) Then do one press up...

Captain
That Flint was a health freak! Go on then lad.

Janie
No. It says here that the person who wants the treasure has to do the deed.

Captain
Oh! Alright. (does a bad press up)

Janie
And then hop two paces forward, one to the left and then a jump back.....you put your left hand in and you shake it all about, you do the Hokey Cokey and you turn around... and X marks the spot! We’re here, Cap’n!

Captain
Right lad, stand back. Now where’s that X? (They hunt high and low. Ask audience to help) Can you lot see the X? Where? Where? (Slyman screams off) What is that?

Slyman
(enters, running) Help! Help! Oh, Captain!

Captain
Cookie? What are you doing here?

Slyman
There is a sea monster thingy after me.

Captain
A sea monster thingy?

Slyman
After me! Very scary, and dangerous. We need to run away. Let me hold the map for you, boy.

Captain
No you don’t! What’s going on (spooky noises off) What’s that? (hides behind Janie)
Help, don’t let it get me!

Janie
There’s no such thing as sea monsters.

Slyman
Yes there is, now run! (sea monster enters) Help, help, it’s here. Give me the map, I’m faster than you boy.

Captain
Give him the map, lad, and sacrifice yourself for our sakes!

Janie
No way!

Slyman
Run!

Captain
I’m running (chase scene ensues, with Captain, Janie and Slyman being chased by sea
monster; involve kids by asking where it is etc).

Rosey
Janie!

Janie
(stops running, while others run off) Rosey? What are you doing here? So, you are the cat! Very clever.

Rosey
Janie, it’s Mr Slyman.

Janie
Where?

Rosey
There (points as he runs on) And that sea monster is his friends.

Janie
Really? Well, let’s sort him out! Time to dress up again, Rosey (she helps her into cat costume) Now go get him!

Rosey
Meow! (walks around legs of Slyman)

Slyman
What the...? Oh,oh. A c...c...c...caaaaachoooooo! Help (sneezes uncontrollably) Get that cat away from me.

Janie
So it is you!

Captain
(still running in circles from sea monster) Lad, give him the map and let the monster eat you!

Janie
Come here Captain, you need to see this.

Captain
Huh? (stops sea monster and they all go over to Slyman) What is it lad, I’m busy!

Janie
Cookie is non other than our Mr Slyman (pulls down beard to reveal him)

Captain
I might have known! Slime man! And after all I’ve done for you!

Monster
Growl, snarl, snork!

Captain
Be quiet when I’m yelling! (monster goes quiet)

Slyman
What have you ever done for me? You’ve borrowed money and never paid it back,
you call me names, you yell at me.....(starts crying) And Mummy’s always like you best.

Janie
Aye? You mean you two are.....

Slyman
That’s right, ... sisters.

Captain
Brothers.

First Mate
(entering with pirates) Cap’n, we could see from the ship that you were in danger. We have
come to rescue you.

Captain
Arrest that villain!(FM points to Rosey) No! That villain (point to Janie) No you bumbling fools, that villain. (Slyman starts to sneak off in the confusion. He grabs the map from Janie)

Slyman
Haha! I’ve got it now Bartholomew!

First Mate
Bartholomew? And you said my name was dumb!

Captain
It’s Bart! You give that back to me Slimy. Get him!

Slyman
I’m sure your loyal crew want to know why we have sailed all this way.

Pirate 3
It was the song. (all pirates start humming ‘Lean on Me’).

Slyman
Better than that - Flint’s treasure map!(all gasp)

Captain
(pulls out pistol) It’s mine! It’s all for me. You lot can clear off after you’ve dug it up.

First Mate
Hang on, you said I could have some.

Captain
No I never. I said I had Flint’s map, was all. Now gimme back the map!

Slyman
Fine! (gives map) You’ve always been a mean, selfish person Bartholomew.

Captain
Bart!

Janie
He’s right. You’ve been a big bully and made me do all your work, and you know the map isn’t yours, it’s mine! (thumbs down) Booooo!!

Captain
Well boo to you too. Boo hoo, that is, ‘cos I’ve got the map and the treasure is all mine. Now then (holds map upside down, pause. Sea monster suddenly comes alive again)

Monster
Growl, snort, snarl, grrrrr.

Captain
Will you be quiet! Who is that anyway?

Slyman
It’s Mor and Ron. Mor. Ron. You can come out now. (they come from off stage, costume in hand)

Mor and Ron
Hi Boss.

Slyman
Huh? If you are here, then who is that?

Monster
ROAR!

All
SCREAM!!!!!(run away. Another chase scene, with Castaways also scaring them)

Janie
(running back on with Rosey) Quick! Grab this rope (they hold rope between them, others run in with Monster after them, it trips, they tie it up)

Monster
(sadly) Roarrrrr!

Ben
(running in with castaways) Stanley! What have you done to Stanley?

All
Stanley? ...Who’s Stanley?

Castaway 1
Our sea monster.

Castaway 2
He’s our friend.

Castaway 3
And a great cook.

Castaway 4&5
(clink bottles) Cheers!

Ben
If you’ve hurt him....Come on Stanley, up you get. (unties Monster)

First Mate
Who are you?

Ben
Ben Gunn. And these are my friends. We were marooned here years ago by Captain Flint.

Castaway 1
Marooned!

Castaway 2
Abandoned!

Castaway 3
Cast away castaways!

Castaway 4&5
(clink bottles) Cheers!

Captain and Slyman
Ben Gunn??

Ben
That’s right. Nice to see you again Bart. John. Don’t tell me you came back for me?(they laugh) Didn’t think so. It must be the treasure then. You finally found the map.

Captain
That’s right Ben, so be a good chap and clear off!

Ben
Ok, fine. Nothing to see here guys, let’s go. Come on Stanley.

Slyman
Not so fast, Ben. There’s something you’re not telling us.

Ben
Always the brains of the family, weren’t you John. No wonder Mum liked you the best.

Slyman
Mother liked Bartholomew the best.

Captain
Mummy liked Ben the best. (they squabble, then pull swords out and start a sword fight
between the three of them, with others cheering them on).

Janie
Wait a minute! Stop! Do you mean to say that you three are.....

Slyman
Sisters.

Captain
Brothers.

Ben
Triplets.

Slyman
Identical triplets. People can never tell the difference between us, except that I am the smartest.

Captain
And I am the oldest.

Ben
And I am the cutest. But you are right, John, there is something I am not telling you.

Castaway 1
Don’t tell ‘em, Ben.

Castaway 2
Look how they treated you.

Castaway 3
You don’t owe them nothing!

Castaway 4&5
(clink bottles) Cheers!

Captain
Be quiet you lot! Come on Ben, what’s your secret?

Slyman
Did you find the treasure?

Ben
Actually, I did.

Captain
(grabbing him) Where is it ya mangy mongrel.

Slyman
(also grabbing) Yes, what he said!

Janie
(thumbs down) Booooooo! You are both unkind and mean. Black Bart. John Slyman. You are brothers!

Ben
Slyman? Silver, you mean. That’s Long John Silver.

All
No!

Ben
Yes.

All
No!!

Janie
The man with the wooden leg!

Ben
Yes! Look. (bashes leg with stick)

Slyman
Aaaaaaaaarggghhhhhhh!!!!!!

Ben
Oops, sorry, I always forget which leg it is. (hits other leg which makes wooden sound)

Captain & Slyman
Give us the treasure!

Janie
You are still brothers. You shouldn’t fight!

Ben
The girl is righ.t

FM & Pirates
Girl?!

Ben
We are brothers. So I will happily share the treasure with you.

Captain
Good lad.

Slyman
I’ve always liked you best.

Ben
Go get the treasure, team (Castaways exit and enter with large chest) Here it is. But you must promise to divide it equally amongst us all.

All
YAY!

Captain
Out of my way! (opens chest) Aye?

Slyman
It’s empty! What have you done with the treasure, Ben?

Janie
It’s not empty, there’s a note.

Captain
Well read it, read it!

Janie
To the finder of this treasure
Allow me the pleasure
Of introducing me and my plan
Ever since you all were born
As a Mother I’ve been torn
As to how to make you one happy clan

So a Pirate I became
Captain Flint was my name
To lead you on a clear and steady way
It’s the desire of a Mother
To help brother to love brother
To be caring, kind and loving day by day
So the only treasure.........

Mother
(enters) So the only treasure here
Is the fact that you are near
And are working together as one
And my dream for you kids three
Is a family you will be
If that happens then my work is done

Ben
Hi Mum.

Castaways
Hi Mum!

Captain
Mummy?

Slyman
You!

Mother
I knew you were all jealous of each other, so I thought that this would be a way to bring you together. There is no greater treasure than family and friends. Come here! (they hug! Then whole cast piles on for a full-on group hug. To audience) Remember children, be kind to one another, and you will always have friends wherever you go.

Janie
And they all lived....

All
....happily ever after. (thumbs up) YAY!!!!!!


------------------------------------------THE END-------------------------------------------

Props List
Teddy
Doll
Treasure map
List of names
Misc boxes to load on ship
Large hanky
Clipboard and pen
Sunhat
Rubber gloves
Sign “Pirates for Hire” Prosthetic leg
False beard
Ship’s ownership papers
Bag of money
Miscellaneous baggage
Telescope
Large postcard Notebook
Dinner bell
Large pot with gross food
Packet of Sweets “Minties”
Whistle
Compass
Maps
Rope
Pistols, swords etc
Treasure chest
Mum’s note