Sample of Script - A Christmas Pantomime
(c) 2001 By Kim Williamson
Do not perform, copy or distribute without prior permission
Characters in this scene include: Natas (The Villain), Nemod (His hideous wife), Bubble and Squeek (the idiotic side-kicks).
Natas (in his hideout, he is plotting) Har har har, I have stopped the stupid play from going ahead. Oooh, I’m so good. By encouraging those fools Walter and Edna to leave, there is no one else to play their ridiculous roles. I hate that play. Now, where are my stupids, I want an update on the last, and final, meeting har har har. (yelling) Bubble! Squeek! Come here. Where are those slimy ratbags? (Bubble and Squeek enter) Ah there you are. Now then, I want a report on that last meeting. Did they cancel everything? Was there tears? Give me the dirt!
Bubble Yes, your great awfulness, there was a certain amount of grief during the proceedings, but…
Natas But?! But?! I don't like buts. But what? (Nemod enters)
Bubble Er' over to you, Squeek.
Nemod Now you tell me. Why don’t you like buts? I’ve been working out for ages now, trying to firm up, just to look my loveliest for you, and now...
Natas Oh, hello dear.
Nemod And what’s going on here? Planning bad deeds and not including your little precious? (giving Natas a playful slap) Naughty, naughty, Natas!
Squeek (aside to Bubble) There is nothing little or precious about that!
Natas Be quiet, imbecile! (sees Nemod glaring at him) Oh, not you Nemod, dearest.
Nemod So what's going down, Natas?
Natas Oh nothing very exciting. Just a dull staff meeting, really. Shall I call you when we’re done….er and we’ll have coffee and donuts together, yes?
Squeek (aside to Bubble) If she has any more donuts and we’ll be having her for morning tea!
Nemod Alrighty. But I hope you’re not holding out on me, Natas darling.(exits)
Natas (shudders) Now, where were we?
Squeek Nativity meeting. Bubble was busy telling you about the meeting, and then your adorable wife wafted in scattering proverbial petals wherever she walked, and then you said…..
Natas Yes yes, that’s quite enough! Now tell me what happened at the Christmas nativity play meeting - before I make mincemeat out of you.
Squeek That would be a first. Mincemeat out of bubble and squeek!
Natas Be quiet! Now, the play.
Bubble It’s the director.
Squeek Yes, she wants it to go ahead.
Bubble She’s got her Aunty involved.
Squeek And they’re looking for a new Joseph.
Natas What?? It’s going ahead? Stinky pooh! Need a new plan. Yes, plan B. But what?(thinks) If we’re going to stop the show….stop the show…wait! I’ve got a better idea. Rather than stopping the show, we should let it go on. Yes! But in our way. Yes har, har, har.
Bubble You’ve lost me, boss.
Squeek I thought you wanted it stopped. I thought you said you hated that play. I thought…
Natas And we know what too much ‘thought’ does to some, don’t we? (Squeek looks confused) No my little idiots, we are going to take over this play and make it so hideous that no one will like it har, har, har. And then I can go ahead with my other plan - plan…er..A, B, C! Yes plan C.
Squeek What’s that then? What’s plan C?
Natas Plan C, my little ball of slime, is ‘World Domination!’ Har, har, har. Yes, I will be in charge!
Bubble I still don’t understand. How can stopping this one play going ahead help you in your quest for world domination?
Natas Use capitals, girl.
Bubble Sorry, "World Domination!"
Natas Better. Now then, listen carefully my little specks of grime. This is only the beginning. If we let this play go ahead, this (distastefully) Christmas nativity, people will think there is more to Christmas. They may think that there is a big fella in the sky looking after them. They may even believe that he loves them. And if they believe that, I am sunk. (Bubble and Squeek look more confused than ever) Oh, for goodness sake you bumble-heads. Think! If I want to achieve ‘World Domination!’ what do I need to be? (Squeek is about to say ‘an idiot’) Did I use the word ‘think’? Sorry Squeek, I forgot you were present. Let me give you a hint. I need to be B-A-D. (much confusion still) Oh! (to audience) Come on kiddies, what does that spell? That’s right BAD! But I need to be seen as being good. With me? But if they believe in something that is really good, then I will look bad, and I don’t want to look bad, I want to be bad, but look good. Understand now?
(Bubble and Squeek look at each other dazed)
Bubble Oh yes, your most horribleness, that’s very clear.
Squeek Clear as mud!
Natas You bone-heads! Why can’t I get someone who has some sense to work for me.
Squeek No one would understand that load of garbage. Good, but bad, bad but good?
Natas Of course they would. It is very clear to people who actually have a brain and use it.
Squeek They wouldn’t (indicates audience)
Natas Of course they would.
Squeek Oh no they wouldn’t.
Natas Oh yes they would. Wouldn’t you?
Bubble Oh no they wouldn’t .
Natas (threatening) Oh yes they would.
Squeek (encouraging audience to join in) oh no we wouldn’t. (etc, etc)
Natas (finally) ALRIGHT! That’s enough. Look, it doesn’t matter whether you get it or not, what matters is that it is your job to stop this play…and…yes…yes…that’s it! It’s your job to stop this play, so go and stop it! ( both look suitably blank) You (to Bubble) will be Joseph. And you (to Squeek)
Squeek Oh please, no! Not that. I’ll never live it down. What will me mates at ballet class say? (Natas and Bubble do a double take)
Natas (with great pleasure)Yes, you will be Mary.
Squeek Oh thank goodness. I thought you were going to make me a shepherd. Those guys are such pansies.
Natas Riiight. Anyway, get dolled up and get along to the next meeting. And make sure you get those roles, no matter what! Or you’ll have me to answer to, have I made myself clear?
Bubble Yes, crystal.
Natas Good, and don’t call me Crystal. Now go and find some good disguises! (they exit) Har, har, har. I am so close. (to audience) You see, I just want to be in charge. To be the Big Boss. I just want people to like me and respect me. (rap music starts. Bubble and Squeek help out)
Bubble and Squeek Natas! Natas! His name is Natas! (they sing this throughout)
Ever since I was a boy,
I wanted to be liked,
I wanted to have friends,
who thought I wasn't phsyched
I wanna be da man
I wanna rule the world
I wanna have a big car
I wanna get the girl.
But then they mocked me,
laughed at me,
called me names,
treat me unfairly.
So I got mean and turned tough for fun,
my name is Natas,
I'm a son of a gun.
... end of sample.